This peice holds a lot of nice effort, but it is not as good as your first submitted entry. Here's why: this poem tries too hard to be poetic. It spoils it. I used to have this same problem and it is one of the hardest to describe and get rid of. I still have a tough time with it. Anyways, explain more in detail, for example, instead of the use of such exquisitely stressful though beautiful and rosy-sounding phrases such as "an owl-like visage, a thought of bygone days" how about "an owl stirs in yonder trees, and the muffled sounds echo (always use strong verbs when you can, and which you did quite well in your last poem) memory of the filling of glasses, the frigid scent of gardenia, and the distant sounds of consternation in your voice as you trembled before the fire that evening in the den with me; me in khakis, and you in earnest sweats, last May of 1962" Of course this creates a bit of a complex storyline, and yet another problem for the writer him or herself to solve so that it matches up with the rest of the poem you have written, but you'll have to figure out that one on your own.

piece

Just go back over this poem, break each line down into specific details, look at how it looks next, and then proofread and edit. You'll be incredibly surprised with the changes.

but don't replace it with the specific line i used as an example, because it was mostly at the top of my head, and is kind of choppily put together.

Thanks for the wonderful critique!!!!

not sure if you made edits after you wrote that original comment, but this is well writeen. i like it a lot.

--
the course of true love never did run smooth
~carpe diem~

I made the edits, then commented, I guess I should have dated...